Am i breaking down?

That's the $100 question. Just lost $100 from betting on EPL matches this weekend, think im being abit greedy for upping my stake, man i can only blame myself. Plus 2 days ago i went Dbl O and got myself drunk, what the fuck.... was puking retartedly outside double and creating quite a scene. If not with the help of my friend Yongwei and Yong Heng I don't know what might've happen, from what i heard even the police are involved with trying to haul me into the cab. Gosh and Yongwei wanted to claim back his cab fare from me lmao think he also abit paiseh have to pvt msg me but i don't blame him. I owe him one.

Damn can't believe tommorow 7:15am i have to report back to Army fitness centre for a unit exercise. It will take place every Mon,Wed & Fri, damn if i have to take a bus there that means i have to wake up at 5am. But thankfully my mom might be fetching me, nothing can be done without my mother. I think i really need to spend more time with her. Bah anyway still have to attend wedding dinner tml night, some relative whom i don't even know.

Actually i've wanted to blog about how sucky i felt after losing $100 and getting pwned during friday night at DBL O... Yah i really feel like shit due to the hang over effect of the alcohol and i'm still feeling it now. And yes i'm also feeling alot of shitty stuff that had happen to me and the bad lucks i've had in relationships. Yesterday night on MSN Janice asked me this question. do u feel that sometimes.. u dunno what u want? I replied her that's how i'm actually feeling right now since months before NS. Mainly it has got more to do with my past R.S, my studies, my NS, my finance and my mother. And most of the time i'm powerless to do anything to change or improve any of it's current state, so sometimes i tend to close one eye about it and after awhile i will ask myself again...What do i want to do about it? Should I let it remain the way it is? Or do something about it so things could get better, and if so what am i going to do? What if things got worse when i meddle with it? Worries worries and more worries..Hah I'm already 21 and a man yet i'm still powerless to do alot of things to improve my lifestyle.

Alright so 2008 is approaching, 2007 have been a year which i think i'm living as if i'm asleep most of the time, letting bygones be bygones, trying to be a hardman sometimes, lacking abit of confident or you can say i don't even wanna give a damn about alot of things or im hardly surprise by any. 2007 might be a year where i know more people than i thought i could've, most of them from Army and at clubs. And i've been clubbing alot...thus my new year resolution is to reduce clubbing. I realise there are changes needed to be implemented from tommorow onwards. That includes my attitude towards everyone, In Army, to my friends to my families to everyone i love i promise from tommorow onwards will be a better person. I will be a more sincere person. I will treat women better, i will be less stingy(depends lol), I will try to see the positive side of everyone and i will react more positively to a negative situation, as I know a few months time from next year onwards i'm going to be an Instructor in the army, it's time i show my full potential of my leadership and commanding capabilities. Not forgetting also the stocks which i've been looking forward to learn more about and start trading in. 2007 is a year i live mainly on a low, 2008 i promise to myself and it shall be a challenge to me that i will be a different person from who i used to be, a much more respected and mature person than i was before. I swear on this blog that had once so much happy memories and a relation which i think i am the person whom almost singlehandedly ruin it I won't blame myself however. I will find a good girlfriend and someone i will love sincerely and whole heartedly and hope she return the favour too. And some more... i've to limit on my gambling habits and also i want to keep fit or become fitter, lead a healthy lifestyle as a CCI, be a role model, be more confident in communicating with others, more sincerity that is =) Thats for my NEW YEAR 2008 resolution. There are more and they shall be positive ones. I will jot down if i can think of any. I shall go to sleep now as i've to wake up in 5 hours time. I love everyone! I love my mother, may everyone whom have done bad repent and be forgiven and everyone whom had done good be loved and continue doing so! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

After BMT

3 months have just passed since i entered NS and did my last post, and now after BMT I've got into my dream vocation as a close combat instructor. It wasn't made known to me such a vocation existed until the 2nd half of my BMT and i happened to express interest in it and was selected to go for the selection due to my Martial Arts background. TKD(1stDAN). The whole thing was just pure chance and coincidence and i just took it without any hesitation. In the beginning of BMT, I was sort of an ambitious person, the first thing i aimed for is to enter OCS and become an officer, then i realise after the first week of my BMT that the way we are being treated, like a lowest life form by the SGTs (some are younger than me) and the PCs made me thought twice about going in, moreover i do not consider myself to be garang and wayang enough to be qualified for the vocation. And maybe also because that I do not really click well with my platoon mates during the first 4 weeks of PTP, maybe for them to be younger than me and some of them are just plainly too ah beng that i don't even bother to socialise with them. That ain't good for me right? Lol just marginalise people like that.

But luckily i happen to make friends with 2 very cool people there and much of the time during BMT we 3 are always together and clicked really well with each other. Without these 2 person, my life in BMT would've totally sucked. Well they say that in the army you can make really good friends and stay in contact throughout your life and i'm very sure these 2 are the lifetime friends that i've made. Ahhh however 3 months just passed by like that, one of them went into SISPEC BSLC and another one into 6SIR and me into AFC(Army Fitness Centre) as a Close combat instructor.

Now let's talk about my new vocation and life so far there. Ok ive only been there for 2 days 8-530 and damn it i got cheated as they first day said we have off till next wed then book in then they say we have to come back on thurs due to no off, and have off from fri to wed but then today they say we have to come back on mon for half day due to battalion training programme and after that told us tml we have another half day as we have to go tampinese. FUCK THEM!
Keep mind fucking us. Damn i don't want to fully emphasise how i feel now, all i know is tml im going to go there and watch a 2 hr free movie and fuck off! FUCK U MR CHIEF!

Wrist control

Just came back from a 3d2n trip to phuket. And it was definitely one of the best trip of my life as i got a hell of massage for just 200 baht ($9) Lol. Not only that, the beach was great, Snorkelling was good, food was so-so and things are fking cheap! Bought 3 shirts and 1 berms. The people there are also friendly, especially the girls!! Thai girls are really friendly and easy, manage to hook up like 3 at the same day in their club there, but realised that most of them not only are students and are also freelance sex worker that would sleep with you for a reasonable amount of $$. One offered herself for 1k ($45) baht to spend the whole night with me which i refused, Sounds reasonable but that excludes hotel charges and chances to get AIDS! I also happened to flirt and danced with some jap chicks there, they are friendly and very approachable but just don't have the mood to go to the extend to bed them! And of cos they are kawaiii!!! One of them is like 26 but looks like 21! Damn these girls are from better developed countries, with better looks and give better attitudes than Singaporean girls, so are the thais! But most of the thai girls there are sex workers, alot of them are really pretty especially those we saw at the A gogo bar. Arghh so tempting! But i'm on a budget and i don't want to be enjoying alone when 2 of my comrades kris and shawn will not be doing the same thing. Save it bah. Hopefully i will have the chance to go there again and hook up with the jap chicks next time! And possibly get lucky with them! HAHA! *evil grins*

Oh 2 more days left till NS, i'm really feeling abit lost and tired now, after coming back from my holis, my whole body is burning with the skins almost peeling off anytime soon after all the sun tanned i had in phuket. Think i'll just stay home for the remaining of my civilian days and get my head shaved tomorrow!....Yay....For now i can do nothing but relax, play, ponder and anticipate this coming thursday which i'll be enlisting @ 1pm.

Ok lastly i want a jap girlfriend! Fuck it i don't care! I was so desperate to see them at phuket and god i was not disappointed! Jap made up the majority of the tourists there and man they have really fair skins and some of them are really irresistably gorgeous! Thai chicks too! Singapore girls are really hopeless compare to them from top to bottom and personality wise. Thank you myself for the trip and the 2 buggers who accompany me there, the next trip shall be japan or if budget then Bangkok! in 2 years time!

Not gonna sleep now, i wanna play games...

Sunday blues

Oh gosh what am i doing spending the whole sunday sleeping? Stupid stupid, i just thrashed down the time i've had like that.

Eh dont know why, recently i always feel kinda depressed when i'm all alone i guess everyone feels like that ba. Fuck man i'm a guy but i'm always feeling this way, this shouldn't be the case right? Think i'm not getting enough of sex maybe. LOL

Today i chatted with one of my ex colleague working in chevron, i saw his nick and it says "Forbidden fruit always tastes the best." I am curious, and sure it has something to do with sex, so i msged him and asked him. "What forbidden fruit?" He simply replied me with "HAHAA SEX !" My curiousity got the better of me. So i asked "What sia? How many you tasted?" He said "5!" I proceed to ask him when and how he know them? Ok i can honestly trust what he has been telling me as he is good looking, tall and charming and even sent me some photos he took with the girls in order to back up his claims. He told me "one was a model, another one was an ah lian and another one is a mama's girl." Damn! i feel so inferior, but maybe i can't blame myself, some people just have that much luck to fuck!

OR maybe i don't get so much fuck probably because i'm a very down to earth kind of guy who is more interested in what really happened and what is going on around this world than to get involved with fashion, good looking people, party poppers and trendy stuffs. I admit for a few occassion i've been trying to keep up with it, I even become that sort fucktards in clubs and go up and talk to girls. Such a waste of time seriously, though i did succeed but not for long as i dont have the patience and heart to keep my target on track with me. I usually end up being a boring ass talking to them about thing i don't even wanna talk about and avoid msging them and turning them off. LOL. Ok face it, i'm not good in courtships and i think i really suck in socialising with the opposite sex ever since my previous relationship ended. Lost all my charisma dealing with them. Then again i have a negative perceptions of these women i know that i cant just seem to open up to them because to me they are really bunch of hypocritical beings and can never be trusted, of cause ever since that previous relationship that just seems to justified it. I know even this is the fact i can't deny, i think i must think otherwise now. Sometimes, with the fact being laid infront of you, you have to just try not to acknowledge it as hard as you can and start being the fact that you've dreaded all along. KEEP IT REAL. Be the fucker, be the hypocrite, be the exploiter, be the jerk who get all the girls and make all the guys talk bad about you, make everyone talk bad about you because they are jealous! Should i really react this way in order to make myself feel better? I think i should consider, since all the dumbwitted bimbos are being seen together with a badass merciless jerk.

Alrite....10 days....10 more freaking days to ns. HAHA and I'm not yet prepared :(( and still feeling abit emo about my personal life and achievements. I should go to sleep.

Whatever makes me feel unworthy

Let me list down a bunch of things that always destroys myself confidence.

1. My relationships with my past girlfriends
2. My receding hairline
3. My speech
4. Rejection from the opposite sexes
5. Comparing myself with other same sexes

Gosh this is really embarassing. But nonetheless i've did some research from this website
http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confidence Lol...

Ok so in order to deal with it, i've to keep reminding myself that nobody is perfect. Even the most confident people have insecurities. At some point in any of our lives, we may feel we lack something. That is reality. Learn that life is full of bumps down the road.

Be thankful for what I have. A lot of the times, at the root of insecurity and lack of confidence is a feeling of not having enough of something, whether it's emotional validation, good luck, money, etc. By acknowledging and appreciating what you do have, you can combat the feeling of being incomplete and unsatisfied. Finding that inner peace will do wonders for my confidence.

Be positive. even if I don't feel positive. Avoid self-pity, or the pity and sympathy of others. Never allow others to make me feel inferior--they can only do so if you let them. If you continue to loathe and belittle yourself, others are going to do and believe likewise. Instead, speak positively about yourself, about your future, and about your progress. Do not be afraid to project your strengths and qualities to others. By doing so, you reinforce those ideas in your mind and encourage your growth in a positive direction.

Look in the mirror and smile. Studies surrounding what's called the "facial feedback theory" suggest that the expressions on your face can actually encourage your brain to register certain emotions. So by looking in the mirror and smiling every day, you might feel happier with yourself and more confident in the long run.

Fake it. Along the same lines of smiling to make yourself feel happy, acting confident might actually make you believe it. Pretend you're a completely confident version of you; go through the motions and see how you feel

A realistic world

Let's be fucking honest here. Which guy in this world ain't perverted and always thinking about having a hotbabe lying beside his bed? If some guys ever think that way, he gotta be one of the most unrealistic motherfucker ever. Or if i might be wrong, he must be gay.

And which girl in this world wouldn't be tempted by money? Some say guts and humour plays a part in winning a girl's heart, but in the end, it all comes down to the one and only make or break factor. Money. If you say this is a sad fact, then you must've been watching too much tv and movie dramas that wants you to think that these world spins with love without any conditions. Wake up man. Alright i think i'm just blogging about the obvious, i've nothing much to blog and just wanna stir some frustration out of my mind.

I think on the outside i look like a fucking strong person, sugar coated my true emotions and potray myself as a retard and confident guy, actually i'm not."I think everyone feels this way sometimes." Which at the the moment i think it's abit retarted, but i guess no one can help it. Because the fact is, if you keep wanting to show people how you really feel and throw out all your emotional problems and show how weak you are to them, and especially you are a guy, gradually no one is going to give a shit about you. A girl might be experiencing the opposite, but for a guy to react like a wuss everytime, everyone will start avoiding you and sooner or later you gonna feel more and more like crap as everyone starts to act fake towards you. Sad facts. Once again.

Every once in a awhile, i've always hear people saying to each other. "Be yourself" "Be yourself" Fuck! How do you be yourself everytime? The problem in this real world is, there are some unwelcomed situation that you will probably put yourself in by trying to be yourself. I, however think it's hard to be myself and I could only be myself if i'm tired of something or think that's the best way for me to deal with something and I have nothing to lose or not afraid to lose.

I guess despite all these shit that happens around the world, in the heart and minds of the majority, peace is the only thing we want, No one wants to fight unnecessary wars, unless you're some crazy ass politicians like those at the states. No one wants to harm others just for the sake of doing it, unless you're some crazy thugs. No one wants to forever sugarcoat themselves and everyone needs time alone to think for themselves like what i'm doing right now. Issues are not issues at all if you do not know about it or refuse to acknowledge it. True, but to me now i'm so free of issues and the only major issue that i've yet to face is NS.

The truth

K i swear this is gonna be a fucken'd long post. Why? Because now it's 1 am and i've nothing better to do and i suddenly feel i should be responsible to my blog and do some new postings and "communicate" with my soul.

Ok i'm currently working at spring as a Customer Service Operator in the Online Business Licencing Service department. That means i'm the first line of defence for the government business licencing website and i've to take calls to help anyone who have problems applying for their licences. However normally what i face is a bunch of callers, some asking relevant questions, most asking stupid questions and some crazy unreasonable people who still think their stubborness can solve everything. For god's sake being stubborn doesn't even solve anything for kids. These dumbasses! duh! However that place is actually a nice working environment. If you're that kind of laid back person and doesn't like to travel around and prefer to sit on your office chair all day to do your work, this kind of job is definitely for you. The exception here is that you have to answer phone calls! Which so far I've faced quite a number of challenge to do so, but however i'm able to cope with it being the "able to take all kinds of shit person that I am." Plus the staff and managers are uber nice and friendly. So i don't really have a problem workng there :). And i take it as a job to pass time while waiting for my NS.

Ahh anyway, so near to my NS and time really just past in a way where you wouldn't expect it to be past in that way. Really thought of slacking and partying for the rest of my holidays after my graduation all the way to NS, but think i have to do something to cover my expenses anyway, so eventually i end up working. Once again I've yet to realise any significant changes to my life and lifestyle, just that i've been clubbing almost every weekends ever since i start working in Spring. Bo bian, must chill abit after a stressful week of work (hmm stressful, kinda exagerrating, its quite slack actually) Yeah i just want to live my life, and yet all these while i've only one official companion to go clubbing with me every weekend, it's none other than Kris fagzo himself, this bugger whom is always facing financial crisis.

And yes tomorrow i'll be booking my trip to Phuket 3d2n @ $315 per pax, then fuck, i've to loan this kris fagzo some $$ for the deposit that we have to commit to the tour agency, which is $230 -_-, was thinking whats the big difference, might as well pay full price. Well for once i dont dare to pay the full price is because, apparently this kris fagzo is abit fickle minded, i'm lending him fucking $230 to pay the deposit and now i'm having the feeling he might back out of this trip and end up me paying for nothing, so in order to guarantee he will return me, i request to be in possession of his passport until the day he return me the $$, said to be 30th Aug. Not i'm not friend enough or what, it's just that when you do someone a favour, you expect them to do you a favour also, there's no free meal in this world. And of course, the principal of equivalent trade (Full Metal Alchemist^^) applies!

And yes i'm really keeping up with Naruto nowsaday, being that the storyline in the manga is getting more and more intriguing as the identity of all the Akatsuki members have been revealed! Even the assumed leader of Akatsuki turns out to be under the direction of another Akatsuki member whom was being revealed as the true leader eventually; Apparently some punk name Tobi, whom is aka Uchiha Madara (abit of controversy also surrounded him that he could be Uchiha Obito, whom was a member of Kakashi's team during the Kakashi gaiden's flashback... Damn this is getting ownaging interesting!)

Sure, long post as i've promised, now i'm almost giving up the idea of having the thoughts of any girls i can miss during my national service days. Seems like i'm really tired of relationship now. Yes my heart do react to some girls i've known recently but however my head is stopping me from commiting further. It actually resulted in me screwing up potential relationships or a potential healthy/unhealthy friendship with another girl, don't really know what i want. NS is really stopping me from loving, planning, and thinking more about my future as no one's gonna know what will happen to me in 2 years time from now. I might no longer be in this world or i might actually be someone with title and rank and call the shots, but no matter what I do, i will never let my mother down. She has done so much for me and i have to repay her someday. Firstly i'm going to get a 2 year term insurance while i'm serving my NS...So if anything happens to me, she can have those $$...Well hopefully i'll be blessed and 3 years later i can study in the 4th SG university that the public have been hoo-haaing about. And also not forgetting my insurance career! Hopefully i fucking suceed!

Ok guess i should turn in now, if not i'll get fucked tommorow...Don't wanna be late for work!

Self reflection

I'm currently in my office now, and have the sudden urge to blog what happened during the past few weeks.

Well, I've been working, studyin insurance and clubbing every weekend which have directly cause the severe weakening in my internal body organs. I feel really owned on the inside as much as i feel really owned on the outside, mentally and physically.

Ok Shit i don't know why im out of thoughts, maybe i shouldn't even blog now, i'll edit later.

I realise i need to do some soul searching

I have to blog! I just have to blog! This is what i should do exactly to pull out all the negative thoughts and feeling i've been having inside of me. Shit it's 2:30am in the morning now and i've to report to office tommorow, but whatever. Even if my eyes is closing down and my body is giving up i have to say these.

Finally, EUGENE LOW! Have come back! to the blogging community. This time i intend to do it privately without anyone knowing... HAHAHA! Don't know how long will I sustain this privacy though.

Wow alot of wonderful things had happened these past few months ever since "that." But whatever, so much things happened that i've been bottling up so much thoughts inside my head and that i've only quite a few people that i had openly and honestly, though briefly shared with. It seems that all these while i've been living a life without self consciousness, or maybe i should say i'm behaving oddly and starting to develop a "fuck all the bitches in the world" mentality ever since that incident.

Also at the same time i had a crush on a few girls which i met in the club while i was working at DXO, i've dated two and danced with and frenched one in the club, all of them are hot and attractive nonetheless. That's what you get by working in the club :). God i'll miss working there. But seriously i think after the 3rd one which i've met in the club and frenched with, i started to question myself actually after a few months of unconscious feeling and thoughts that im sick to death to care so much about. "What do i really want?" Which actually made me fall into depression for a week and i actually went into google to do a "How to be happy", "Love advice", "How to be confidence" search. I arrived at the decision that i have to blog my feelings out after reading that in order to be happy again, i should start to be more honest with myself and actually communicate myself through journalling.

Yes maybe i should do this until my NS days begin, Alright for now i think i've communicate enough with myself i think i should sleep. Maybe before that i should shit first as my stomach is aching now!