My existence

Damn i feel sick, probably had too much alcohol last weekend and it snowballed the effects till today. Coincidentally it's my guard duty tomorrow so i hope i won't get an mc and pass on the responsibility to my colleague. I wanna do it anyway because it's gonna be with my batchmates. Hopefully won't get the sentry slots.

Yesterday i was doing my duty staff, sitting whole day in the gym registration desk doing nothing. So i decided to check out the mindef forums. Crazy shit i tell you, the mindef forum actually had like hundreds of thousands of posts about all kinds of stuffs. Be it, gaming, anime, relationship problem and many many more.

As these few days i was feeling kinda down because of a bad intuition i felt regarding my relationship with a particular person i decided to look for some advice from the relationship section, trying to find any topic that relates to my case. And finally after some simple search, i manage to find it.

Ok now this is ghey i know, i don't know why despite all the past experience with many many women i still bother to give a shit about them but anyway, it's a post regarding being a third party, well it kinda applies to me, so i went ahead and click it.

"Never ever be a third party, because you do not want other people meddling in your relationship, imagine knowing that some other guys are pestering your girlfriend with sweet messages, confessing to them all these while you're together with her, how will you feel?"

Thanks MR i don't know, you really woke me up, even it's simple logic and pure common sense, it really takes your post to wake me up. So because of this i am now recovering from a minor heart ache and being a fool. I'm not feeling well now, not because of what you said, but i'm really physically sick. Still i don't really feel as bad as i was yesterday. That feeling totally made me feel really pathetic and hopeless.

MORAL OF THE STORY
LIFE GREATEST ENEMY: YOURSELF

Great wall

All good things comes to an end, That's the truth.
But that doesn't necessary leads to bad things, it's just good things taking a break itself.
All bad things comes to an end, that's the truth.
But that doesn't necessary leads to good things, it's just bad things taking a break itself.

Life is so unpredictable but your instincts tells you how things will work out into.
Life is so predictable but your instincts tells you how things will work out into.

Who could've thought this would've happened?
Who could've thought this wouldn't have happened?

Somehow inside of me.... I really feel like....breaking up. All these heart aches all these uncertainties, all these anxieties that things are not going to be the way i want it to be. I can't take it anymore.

Don't think so much, that's what i would tell others if they ask me how to deal with it. How do i? When the person who made me feel this way took a great long time to come by. I'm in love with an atomic bomb. That's the truth.

fucking CCTW full of shit

Fucked up planning, fucked up management, fucked up superior. Everything literally fucked up! Kanina work so hard for what? Oh yah.. why the fuck do i work so hard for? I'm wasting my 2 years here anyway in the fucking SAF.

So this is what they say huh? Getting fucked for nothing... That's what happened today. FIGURATIVELY, FUCKED FOR NOTHING...I was suppose to handle this fucking whole unit's close combat training. This whole unit consisted of 5 fucking companies and they are all taking ICCT at THE Same time in a timespan of 3 weeks. FIRST TIME THIS KINDA SHIT HAPPENS. So all going as plan, 4 companies will be doing at mandai and 1 at AFC due to space restraint. So as the unit instructor i will be handling the 4 companies obviously. They are only taking half a lesson per day for each company. So morning i teach 2 different companies and afternoon another 2 different coys. So literally teaching all techniques twice per day. How frustrating to be honest.

FUCKED UP!!! GRADING TML AND LESSON AT THE SAME TIME.. HOW FUKED UP!!

Auld Lang Syne

This morning i woke up and i had a very weird feeling, it's that type of feeling that u wake up and notice u are missing someone so badly and unable let them know, that type of hopeless feeling.

Took me sometime to actually got over it, i had to eat my early morning mac breakfast my mother bought for me, sip up some lemon tea juice, take a bus to mandai camp and went to the backstage to get ready to teach cct. That's where the feeling subsides. So now sitting down on my computer desk chair that feeling comes back again, now the person i miss is online and i don't even have the guts to let her know not even messaging her, so being egoistic i shall let her message me later instead.

Alright what i just did was quite gayish, i just played a chinese song sang long ago by karen mok, it's called tabuaiwo. translated into english 'She don't love me'. How convenient...arghh

By the way i had a very happening weekend, Friday night went double o once again, this time with the same group of fun people that i have been going with the past few weeks. Long story short, 2 of us got so pissed drunk that everyone had to take care of them, then whats more? I literally got bitten all over my body by a mad woman playing some stupid game between the both of us and now i have to deal with the scars all over my body. I don't know if i'm a sadist or what, I actually enjoyed getting bitten by her =/

Saturday had a great nights out with 2 of my BMT buddy, went to watch Harold and Kumar, though i already downloaded and watch, but nothing beats watching it in the cinema although i have to pay an additional $5 for it. HAHA $5 because i reasoned that i should use the nebo card for my own cancelling off their privilege and using it to my advantage, hahahh they are kinda pissed about it i guess, but just $1 only man! Chill fuckers!

Sunday was fucking eventful also, went Sentosa to get tanned tgt with Dave ,SK and Shawn, played some ball games with them and later invited a group of strangers (5girls 2 guys) to join us. LOL where do i get that courage i don't know... 2/3 of the girls are really not bad looking, but didn't get their number. At night i had my dick sucked. K

Monday went to swim at Republic poly tgt with kris shawn gary...illegally hahaha. then at night went KTV with the same grp of people i was with to celebrate my clubbing khaki jianwen's bdae, hahah i was the only idiot who kept singing english songs and the rest are like so up for chinese songs, it was fun and no one got offended by my singing voice LOL fortunately.

What a great weekend:) I hope every weekends can be as fun. Ciao im going KSL to meet some arse holes!

missing something?

Something is missing in my life, it has been a long time, it really has been missing. My life is missing something, what is it? How can i know? How do i find out?

Im just complainin complainin and complaining everyday... whining and whining no wonder i can't even stand myself, luckily i have this shit piece of blog for me to let go of my emotion if not i think i will be in the asylum now just thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE.....

Today is as hectic as ever, conducting 2 similar lesson one in the morning and another in the afternoon, cct is a bitch really, im really getting sick of shouting over and over and teaching the same techniques again and again. Luckily today all of my colleagues who were present there actually help me to take my lessons, man i thought they really are there to beat flies. I was wrong. Im apologise for my previous post which is just plain emo shit like many others.

K lets see what's my life like every weekday and weekend

Mon-Fri

8am-5pm: Either teach Close Combat Lessons in unit or doing beat flies project at AFC
5pm-7pm: travelling home + eating dinner
7pm-Lights out (time varies): Surfing the net, watching movies, animes porn, chatting on msn(mostly with the same girl)

Fri night i will most probably be hitting da club.

Sat & Sun

DAY: GO OUT MOVIE/WALK WALK/CHILL
NIGHT: CLUBBING/WATCHING FOOTBALL

HAHA....That's all folks, thats practically what i've been doing for the past few months! ENJOY LIFE! YEAH RIGHT ITS BORING!

ehhhsswtfsbbq

OH wtf guess what i did today. i shouted for 6 fucking hours...I should just join some nu-metal band like linkin park. Knnz i don't know wtf is going on with this closecombatinstructor voc anymore the mgmt is f up the regulars are really analed and illogical, thank god im in a less stringent team, but fk today just because im conducting some close combat training for my unit so i have to do all the teaching and the other instructors basically go around beating flies except for one that actually helps me out. Not that i'm complaining but this junior senior shit and unit instructor shit gotta stop the fuck out man... it wasn't like that before, the team i was in was so united and regularly helped each other out regardless of batch or whether u are the unit instructor.

Then shit happens.... they did a switch of instr from other team and now happens that the team that has been switched with ours is facing alot of political shit which i couldn't care about and occurs that the 2 instr that came to my team were really beating flies wherever they go and they happen to be supporting my fucking unit today. Fuck man my throat is going to burst, i'm afraid i might really get throat cancer just because of having to shout so much....oh man wtfbbq!

Oh yeah btw is it really true that when girl have their menses they really have a fucking problem with their attitude? Oh man that really breaks my balls! Grow up bitches!

PS: So i've got use to these alr yeah? That kind of hopeless feeling and at the same time making me realise how insignificant i am to others i love and care about. Such a feeling im so getting used to and experiencing it almost everyday that now it seems like im having it as part of my daily meals... How discouraging to humanity huh... how sad for me.

im actually a really angry man i just realised that. eugene..no one owes u a living.... help urself.

brown leaves and grey skies

Some people will just do anything to get what they want, that includes backstabbing their own friends. He'll probably have to kill his parents if he had to, what a low life jackass. And how surprisingly it has me to be the victim? Love is the word and Sacrifice is the effort i guess.

Anyway i was really stupid, really really dumb. I thought i was protecting a friend(this is another story). I'd do quite a few things for her, and not to be mistaken i do not desire her, and she had to treat me like crap. Okok girls are really illogical creatures aren't they? But fuck it man what's so fucked up just occassionally i need her help abit regarding my instability.

I guess these 2 shit incidents really opened my eyes. Never trust anyone no matter how good of a friend they had/have been. What goes around comes around? ... ok irony.

Confession

Just when i thought everything is over, gonna start a new lease of life again, god has a changed of plans. Apparently he decided to shove more shit into my already shitty life and make me feel pathetic. So now i've to whine about how lousy my life is and hoping for someone to symphatize with me. That is while sad to say i can only wish for. I am a man, so to ask for symphathy from a lady is to ask for a suicide pill. But whatever, wind direction changes and the stars will die one day. So as of now i will tell myself to not let my ego seek its pleasure. That is to find someone else to symphatize with my feeling which i had already foolishly expressed just now to one girl friend of mine. How foolish of me. I feel really giving myself a good excuse to seek symphathy now, how hypocritical i am.... I want to be stronger, i want to be a man, i want my never say die mentality back, i want that fighting teen spirit of mine that i used to have, that ever ignorant guy that'll do everything he can to get what he wants. That elzw that he is borned to be. give me back myself!

k so gene

u've been a wonderkid, you've had your days
you've been envied and you've been loved
so what's left of you now? now that all have been taken away from you
sounds not all that bad yeah as you still have your mom sewing ur freaking name tag onto your cci shirt yeah?
yeah so cool...but not all have been sewed.
now why do you feel this way genie? you thinkz u a big fuck? wow im so scared? applause?
no apparently you are not.. you've failed, you've failed totally in a single day, everything u hope for, u aspire for and you desire for.... all these gone in a single day. So is this how you will be feeling now? Disheartened? Disappointed? Depressed? Decayed? Degenerated? Defeated? Is you gonna feel all the Ds?
Or do i have to use more fanciful initials to spell out ur suffering u piece of crap?
Shame. Sore. Sad. Foolish. Inept. Inefficient. Incapable..the list goes on

So am you gons wake ups tml and see everything as a bad dream? Or is you gonnan feel all that you feel now gene? You wake up its a bad dream and no one on your side and you are fighting but you just feel too tired to be fighting? Guess you're not the fighting kind.....You go back be ur stupid CCI. Be someone that has to be detested, feared or do u try to be someone that is being respected and well liked?

ISSIT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR BOTH THOUGH?
CAN THAT HAPPEN TO ME WITH GIRLS I LIKE, DESIRE AND ADMIRE? CAN THAT?

Help me.

elle-e-elevator

oh so u seen my blog? well why do i fuck care?

Hagahahagahahagah i is so crazy man. what de fuck, im not even in love im juz having de crush, ok nothing matters nothing matters nothing really matters

I wuz gonna like erase da emo post from below but on second thought no because its part of me and i iz gonna reads its nexts times. hahahs.

wow its sundays already my long weekendz juz passed it like a biatch..... its good relaxing timez and tml i iz going back fucking AFC to run fucking 10km. Balls to me man!

Fuckingz afc fucking make me run more thanz 5 milez every week fuck them! im so having eh hard nipz now. i iz gonna fkin givup man cheesebye.

alright i willz be celebrating mother dayz in advance, i iz finally gon make my mom proud. fucking hbo now airing some niga ass show its so noisy.

and btw imma find a gf soon. muackz eugene!

99 problems

After that emotional post last night, i think i've finally decided to be a man. I will not force myself to get involve with her anymore and i will be normal and be cool as i am always. She has a boyfriend anyway and other than being just a friend i don't see a need to meddle with their relationship any further. I myself don't want this kind of things to occur to me so neither would i want to do this to others. I need to find more things to do to make my life worthwhile. 99 problems but a bitch ain't one =)

There it goes again

Wow. Three days without rain, summer is approaching. My mood is unstable and the cause of it i shall not deny.

I'm going to be honest with myself, it's because of a girl. Some pretty babe i knew at a club through my primary school friend. I was on a high that night and i wasn't so aware of my actions either, but nonetheless i am sure that i was dancing with her throughout.

So long story short, I got her number and her msn soon after. So from my own personal experience with many other girls I didn't really expect to hit it off with her that well, in my mind she's really just another clubbing girl i know and our relationship as that isn't gonna last any longer. But instead we clicked well and talk about alot of things even though i must admit that my grammar and vocabs are not as strong as hers, therefore i feel the need to construct my sentence properly whenever i replied her msg. We were chatting everyday since then and i guess both of us begin to be opened about our private life towards each other and she seem to be treating me as more than "the guy whom i knew from at club." She even confessed it to me herself which i'm kinda suprised about.

And then the following week we hit the club again, same club and almost the same people with a few additional friends of mine and one of hers. Yet again i was drunk when she came and we danced together again, just that this time i was like insanely groping and violating her. Can't help it i guess, she's hot and she didn't seems to mind.

The week after that night was not really the same as the week before, as we begin to lack of things to chat about and most of what we could talk about was about the night we clubbed and her relationship with her ongoing boyfriend. Then came last wednesday when i asked her out for a drink which she at first agreed to it, so i went down to town and wait for her and finally decided to meet somewhere around clark quay together with one of her friend and one of mine. However, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, plans changed and we ended up clubbing at the same club again. This time with the same people and additional few other guys from my friend's side. So we were sitting at this table as my friend had ordered a bottle earlier on. Then she came with one of her girlfriends, and all the guys sitting around me were like mind fucking her and i'm not really affected by it. She's hot. So everyone started to flirt with her and so on. While she was sitting next to my friend and flirtting with him and i was getting higher and higher her attention switch to me and we begin to get quite touchy with each other. Anyway the next few hours we were clinging to each other almost everywhere we go, to the smoking room, to the dance floor to the bar. I think i kinda smell from the sweat i leaked while travelling throghout town and clark quay which i guess she didn't mind either. So the fun time ends with a few slight incident happened in between and then came the next faithful day.

I msged her on msn seeing her nick to be spelling quite depressingly, asking her how is she and so on. So i guess she's suffering from some relationship problem and then without asking much of it our conversation starts to get abit stale which i'm really finding it hard to accept and kinda disappointed by her slow reply, though i acted cool throughout and told her some sick stories concerning myself. She was so cold so i decided to go out and catch a movie with my friend instead of wasting my time waiting for her reply.

So there it goes again i guess this time i really find myself taking the same emotional rollercoaster ride again like the same with many other girls i've dated since last year. Man i really want to settle down and i really want to remain being good friends with her where we can share alot of our problems with and occassionally flirt around with each other. Sigh.... troubled times.