A day in the life of Eugene Low

Today is a usual day for me, i'm having a long break from army and nothing seems different to me. Yes its true, i didnt quite enjoy my holis because first i still have assignment to do and of cause i have tuition to conduct and i have porn and anime to fill my life as it is. So tomorrow is new year eve and i am going sentosa to join the count down. Seems so normal to me, just another day goes by and then another day comes. Same shit like always, and still i have assignments to do and then on friday i have to go back to camp. Nothing change and nothing will change for the next nine months. I am still single

Single. Yes in two months time i'll be single for 2 years, what a freaking loser. So who will be the lucky girl to embrace my dick? Sorry. Who will be the lucky female to embrace my heart. Does that even sounded right? Perhaps not. Perhaps i should start searching. I will be joining some salsa dancing lesson soon. I love dancing and the motive is to know girls...what else? Ok so i end my entry here. I dont know when i will be blogging again, the reason why i make this entry is because my group of friends suddenly out of no reason start to blog and then i got inspired and so i create this entry. The craze for them is not gonna last long anyhow. Whereas I am a seasoned blogger who doesn't give a f how my blog structure looks like. Fuck it anyway. I am living la vida loca now baby!

What the fuck did i do

What did i do to deserve this type of unobliging treatment from people i love.
Should i even love them at all? What have i done. Probably from now on i'll do nothing. I'm literally sick and tired of all the fake shit and bull shit people give me. Fuck all of them. I just wanna have fun and they go find their own entertainment. I really feel like shit sometimes, i feel neglected. Yes i am submissive, yes i enjoy being loved but not loved for a motive, i dont want people to keep making use of me and i dont want to make use of anyone.

Surprisingly the only one that i really love and trust is some one that is 4 yrs older than me, how un comfortable it can be. i am weak yes i am. And the only thing i will and can do is to bounce back. How sad. Thankfully for this blog, for this is the only place where i can release my pain and anger without anyone knowing. I love my life and i will live it the way i want. I will be rich and successful.

The neverending story

I need to let this out. I've hardly blogged these past weeks, ive attempted to, but whatever i feel i want to say its not really what i meant to say. What i really meant to say is.

(Third person point of view)

This has got to stop. Eugene, you need to get a hold of yourself. Something is not right, you are entirely not happy with things that are going on with your life and yet you're embracing it, accepting it just because you feel needless to do anything about it. Is this the correct way? After the trip to genting have you know more about yourself? Have you woke up entirely from your half asleep behaviour? Engaging in conversation that you know you don't give a damn about. What has happened? Party every week, intoxicating yourself till you don't know who you are. What happened to you? 2 months ago you were the most sought after guy, every girl wants a piece of you, and apparently after some foolish things u did, you totally lose it all. Nothing seems right anymore, everyone seems so corrupted around you that you feel you have given up on being rational. You make fool of yourself in places you love to hang out in. You made a fool of yourself infront of your close friends. You made a fool of yourself to the girl you love. You made her avoid you.

(My self)

I don't know what is going on, everything seems so out of my control. I want a good life. I want to be loved and i want to love. Its depressing, i couldn't find a genuine one. Or am i just avoiding it? What am i doing i don't know. I really feel lost as of now. What have i been doing? What are all the self help books for? Losing 640 RM in genting yet i feel nothing at all? What is this? Please someone, i need help, i need to get hold of myself. But it seems there's no one to help me. I can't help myself. I need love...badly... from some one. I need love. It's time to reset my life. So what do i have to do? I need to formulate a plan from tomorrow onwards doing my duty staff.

Great success

1. A trip to genting to relax

To do.

1. Finish my assignment by friday 26th Sept 2008.

The most important entries pt.2

I think i can only trust my feelings to this little cozy isolated blog i have here. It is sad but i'm more than satisfied. So these past few weeks i've had problems to deal with and i was too busy and too shag to think about and evaluate them. The way i handled them seems to show i am someone who couldn't really handle my own life well. I wasn't so eager about solving as I think i merely avoid the worst situation in every aspects.

The one with the girl i thought i would have is one. This is the thing, I have to admit i'm not ready and not sure what i am doing. On one hand i want her so bad and on the other, knowing that she has so many suitors, i choose to be cool about it and thought myself as the special/chosen one of the whole. It wasn't the case and i had already noticed it. It seems that she has been using me or maybe it was me who wants to be used by her. I ain't really bright or subtle when it comes to handling my relationship with girls im interested in. I learny my lesson. After yesterday morning after sending her a morning greeting msg but yield no reply. I finally understand and realise my stand in this whole calamity. I am nothing to her. But a friend, a confider or a substitute.

Let me accept the fact, for the fact is the only thing i need to know for me to move on and make me redirect my focus elsewhere for the betterment of living my life.

So now come the 2nd situation that i've been dealing with for the past weeks again. Though things had already cooled down and i accepted my fate, i really think a non confrontational approach is the best way out. Don't ask, don't tell. Just do what you are supposed to do. And i learn that the best way out of this situation is to find someone to talk to. Find someone to share your pain, share your disdain, admit your mistake, find out what's wrong with yourself, what have you done to actually cause all these. Now i admit that i'm reaping the fruit i sow and i'm facing the music. Guard duty i'll do but one thing for sure i'll never ever let anyone step over my head.

The 3rd situation, i almost forgot i had one. STUDIES. I need to really put in more effort, i have to start doing my assignments by tomorrow and that i say that i will do.

4th situation. I haven been getting enough sleep. I need some sleep! =)

Now let's get back to business. Let me reset my life, let me press that button, the 'RESET' button. My life from now onwards will be positive once again, full of positivity, happiness, clarity and hunger for success.

One thing i shall make it clear. From now onwards I live my life for myself, i shall be positive. Lets solve one by one of my problem with a positive solution.

The first situation: With you bei, i admit i'm not up to it. I'm quite tired infact, now you are nothing more than a friend to me, I will still talk to you and i will still go out with you, things probably shall eventually turn out to be better even if you choose me or not. Meanwhile, i shall not be affected by you, probably one day we will share our thoughts but as for now i shall refrain from initiating any approach towards you by any means. You shall approach me and i shall choose whether to reply you or not. I am doing this for the betterment of my life and with you or without you in my life. It shall be a great life i will be leading.

To the 2nd situation: With my work related problems, my ns, my tuition, my commitment to working in the quaterly it exhibition, i shall be commited to you all and willing to go that extra mile to exceed your expectations but i will not put my health or my family 2nd to any of it. I will not let anyone of you step over my head and when situation requires me to stand up and speak for myself. I shall do so.

To the 3rd situation: Just as i am commited to work, i shall be commited to my studies as well, it's the one thing that i can not effort to neglect if i am to be successful in life. It shall be a priority as much as i value my commitment to my work. I will not neglect it and i will spend time in it. I know what to do.

To the 4th situation: Yes i need more sleep and i am about to.

Now i am back lets resume that positive routine i set for myself everytime i make an entry.

GREAT SUCCESS

1. Finally i know what i want and blogged my feelings out
2. Got my genting ticket! Going on sept 18!
3. As unwilling i am to let go of you. I guess this is the best choice for me even though you do not know how i felt till this day. I am selfish but to the extend that only i know it myself and did not neglect or cause any sufferings to you in anyways.
4. Finally got a close combat instructor as my understudy. (Who would've thought i might be an upperstudy as an instructor? :) )

Things to do next!

1. Grading at 2 sir!
2. Tuition with beverly!
3. Clubbing on friday and report to camp and sleep
4. Start my 2nd assignment!

The most important blog entries ever made in my life Pt.1

English as it is is a hard subject to master. This entry shall be filled with english that is as good as i had learnt.

It was not long ago that i decided to change my outlook in life, be positive about every single thing that had or would have befall me. Had this not been the case, many a time i could be wailing on my bed when the silent night strucks my window frame.

And resultantly, i met her.

Though i had a few glamorous nights filling my life with brand new lights, the wind had blew and made her emotions faint. And admit i shall, I long miss the love i had when a forthnight ago it was strong as the bark of the tree, long miss the times we spent when the sky turns dark serving the only time we had and Long miss the hugs you gave when at the back of the car we sat. That was what i had and that is why i am sad. So bewildered by the spell you had cast upon me.

For now i may only sigh and hope for the impending journey to be bright. It is this enchantment we call life. Now this be settled and no longer be a hassle. I shall take a bow and end this insert with a respectful statement.

Statement: Either you run the day or the day runs you - Jim Rohn

its complicated

This is it, i don't know what is the matter, and why do everything have to turn out this way.

It was suppose to be fun, and honestly im too tired to mention anything about the situation.

What happened to my positivity? I guess i need to reset my mind now. Things' been too complicated to care about. I SHALL FREE MY MIND!!!

Be positive! My positivity will change the world.

Thanks

Thanks jeanette

You left me stranded

You were the one i thought, you were the one i need, i thought i found you but i think i'm just reaching out too far. I only want you, should i even be given a chance for all the wrongs i had done? Not towards you, but to people who loved me and yet i neglected. Must all these feelings come and go again? Must you be that one of many that have to go through a roundabout in my mind? I really don't know why but i think you are the one i'd have and i'd do anything for.

But why this sudden feeling? Why this similar type of feelings again? Why can't i have a choice? Why must the one i finally thought i would settle down with inflict the most damaging blow to me once again? And again.....and again...It never ends, it had to be like that everytime, just when i'm about to give it all, or i had already done so.

Im hurt, its self inflicted i guess, or probably it shouldn't have had happened at all. Maybe it was all a dream, a beautiful dream, a heart damaging wish that does not have a head to begin and a tail to end with.

I was having a bad day and all i want to is to see you, that, which i couldn't leave it up to me, nothing was my choice to begin with, its all yours, and it had to be like this, im left stranded and wanting more of you, this is probably my pride im finding it hard to overcome.

I thought i was strong, i thought i could handle it, i thought i've been through it and i can never suffer like that again, i don't want to cry... i really dont want to. This is what i brought myself into. Might this be really how i wanted it to be like, a pitiful end and a chance to experience a broken heart.

i will get her!

This maritime assignment is making me crazyyyyyy!!! HAHAHA for the first time i actually felt myself being so hard working doing an assignment by myself! Normally i would finish an assignment by 1/2 days without any in-depth research, and now i'm spending 2 weeks doing it!

Things have changed, words have spoken and seeing is believing. I guess its time i re-evaluate my goals in this quiet night on what i want. By the influenced of Jack Canfield, i therefore bring to you my number 1 desire. To get her! It's been a month since we first dated, I guess i finally know what i want and i'm going to take it slow from here. Yes no doubt its a challenge, no doubt i face imense competition, and no doubt fame and fortune is what she's looking for. For that i promise, i will have both of that just to accomodate her needs.

Im no longer the same person as i was before i got enlisted, i am much more confident, much happier and know what i want in my life. Like i did in my 101 to do list. I mentioned i wanted a Bentley as my car. Yes i'm going to get it by the age of 26 by all means! Stock trading! Real estate! Ship brokering! Im gonna have a Bentley Continental GTC.

Great Success!
1. Did almost half of my assignment
2. Things seems to get better with bei
3. Getting a job in this coming IT SHOW

Things to do!
1. CLUBBING TMR NIGHT!
2. SENTOSA ON SAT!
3. FINISH MY ASSIGNMENT ON SUNDAY NIGHT!

she's mine soon

Last week has been hectic, it was one of the best week i've had, i felt important, i felt loved. Date i suppose turned out to be successful and met her for the following couple of nights. I'm in love, but at the same time i'm in self denial over it. I know it's a big challenge for me but that's what makes life interesting. And i'm going to succeed.

YES finally finished my unit icct package, i finally can have a peace of mind and concentrate more on my studies. She's in camp and that's double the relaxation. And i'm going to miss her alot. The road ahead is long and filled with obstacle, but i'm going to walk towards it with my eyes open, no fear and im going to face the obstacle that's ahead of me. I will not give up!

That's all.. too many things to debrief about and too many things to worry about. So i ain't gonna debrief nor gonna worry at all. Live life as it is every moment everyday =)

Great Success
1. Finished my Unit ICCT package
2. Had a great date with bei
3. Met bei for the 2 following nights
4. Did my assignment's abstract

Things to do
1. Tuition for jamie
2. Date bei this coming wednesday =)
3. Finish my first part of the Air transport assignment

Say what what?

It's a feeling of discomfort. I read a book by jack canefield on the principle of success this afternoon in camp after my icct lesson. Probably the only thing to do in camp when i have nothing else to do besides sleeping.

In the book it says that everyone should have a sense of purpose, should know what they want and be clear about it. The book also reinterates that in order for someone to be successful, he or she has to find positivity out of every negative situation. For example if you lose your handphone, be glad that you're going to get another one, might be a better phone you're getting. So when you lose your hard earned money trying to get a new handphone, be glad you learnt how to buy a handphone with the money you made and thus making you work harder to get the money back..something in this sense.

So now it's a feeling of discomfort that's bugging me, probably the impending date i'll be having tomorrow with a girl. She's hot, young, pretty, cute, sweet, beautiful, she's everything good that i can think of now, one might think i must be in love, because the only reason why one would find someone else perfect is because he/she is in love with that someone. What's discomforting is that i'm afraid i might screw up the date, i mean i know she's looking forward to it as much as im looking forward to the date, just put it this way, i'm not confident enough.

What to do? Now let's apply Jack canefield's principle of finding good stuff out of every bad situation, Ok i'm lacking of confident so where do i go from here? Maybe this shows that i'm not overconfident? Come on positivity gene! positivity! Ok probably now i realise this problem of mine and i'm trying to overcome it, this is good! Positive gene! positive! Things will go well.. things will turn out great, we will end the night with a long and passionate french kiss outside her doorsteps! She will want to go out with me again and she will fall for me! Yes i'm gonna make her fall for me, we will be together before i becomes a one year soldier! Sept 12 that is!!! Yeah gene that's the way! $100 is the budget tomorrow! no more than that! :) Yes gene positivity all the way! Omg i feel this sudden surge of energy! The positivity i guess is radiating throughout the molecular structure of my body and i'm so excited!!!! i'm gonna talk to her in msn as soon as i finish typing my blog
Ok ON TO THE SUCCESS OF THE DAY

GREAT SUCCESS

1. Finish all my ICCT Techniques and get ready for GRADING!
2. Gave my cousin a harsh scolding for delivering a poor maths result! I guess she takes it pretty seriously this time!
3. Got my mom's car key as she's going cambodia for a week! Please let her be safe!

THINGS TO DO TML

1. DATE with BEI
2. Attend Basic stock trading seminar
3. Conduct CCT Mock Grading for 1 sir
4. FINISH MY Air transport abstract on thursday night 10pm!

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

I guess its the time of the week where everyone would feel kind of blue, Monday blues. I know i know, i feel it too, but I'm not exactly that blue, in fact, I'm quite glad, what better way to end the weekend chatting with 4 beautiful girls i loved?

Words have gone out that I'm a player, I've done things that justify that i am in every sense one, but in my heart i know I'm not, I'm quite disturbed by the fact I'm being regarded as that. I definitely wouldn't want her to know I'm one and i would've been very misunderstood if she is to think i am. I just want to love and be loved. She's my supercalifragilisticexpialidocious after all. And also she's highly sort after :)

Talking about her, I'm actually quite hopeful of her being the one, finally after so long, even though i can see she still wants to have fun, meeting new people of the opposite sex. I am really confident that i might finally find someone to hold dearly and sincerely on to in my life. Single isn't that bad, i met alot of new friends, some good, some great, some left, some stayed. I also met a few lot of beautiful girls that are attached and i learn alot from their experiences, i guess i'm really lucky to have known them, i loved them in every way they are and i won't blame them for some of the things they did, i'm sure people has needs too and sometime we get tired of the life we already had and want to try something new. I understand.

Some positive notes (from a negative situation)

Sometime when things gets too messy and complicated and you feel really tired, you should just sleep it out. That's what i did this morning, I woke up in a very bad state, feeling angry, lethargic and short tempered, dragged myself to teach my 11 yrs old cousin tuition and she ends up not bringing the assessment that i required to teach her, which is maths, so basically i have to touch her english and i did it in a very pissed off manner, literally couldn't be bothered and i gave her my point of view why i think she did it on purpose, i guess she felt abit guilty also, i ended the lesson in one hour, suppose to end in one and the half.

So i went home feeling pissed, tired, waning out, then my mom asked me to help settle the window opening, to close it all so no one would try to do something funny or throw something funny into my house. Eg; throwing cigarrete buds through the window into my living room, follow by replacing the bulb of the toilet light, i did it hesitantly, showing bad attitude and finally told her i'm sleeping and not to disturb me. I slammed the door, played some music and went to sleep.

So i woke up at 5pm this time, feeling things amissed, i know now i'm fully awake and alert enough to know what i'm doing, so thanks to jack canfield, i reset my emotion and my thinking, throw all the bad stuffs away from my thoughts and think of all the positive stuffs, i'm glad i did it and succeeded, i ended up studying for my air transport and bought my own dinner, and finally ended the night talking to some of the beautiful people i know in my life. Love them to bits!

Great Success

1. Did not submit to my lusty needs
2. Had fun at dbl o
3. Get to know her more.
4. Feeling positive once again!

To-do Tml

1. Teach the last 6 techniques to my icct trainees, i'm gonna make it a fun filled lesson
2. Tuition for Beverley 630pm

This is retarded

Positiviness radiates itself, so does negativity.
I think i've been affected by it, it's so contagious, now i'm starting to feel like the whole world is crashing because she didn't replied me. Maybe i'm afterall just another guy in her life.

Haha Vonda Shephard & Dan Hill - Can't we try
Such a nice emo song its really affecting my mood now.
I was quite glad i was able to help jean relieve her negative emotion by a bit i guess. I was so positive just now.

Ok eugene, i guess this is it, now to become positive again, seriously, please i think i'm not positive enough, and i am sure i can do better.

So infatuated with positive eugene you are....i really hope you are going the right path in life.

Great success

1. Attended AMC lecture on Air Transport
2. Made friends with a few of my classmates
3. Make my dear friend happy when she was facing some dilemma

To do tml.

1. Attend 65th batch ord function

why so serious?

Why so serious dude?

Just read a news about a girl getting killed in a car accident. Apparently she hitched a car ride with a guy friend and her guy friend sped 160km per hour on a bending road, the guy eventually hit a sign post with his car probably jam breaking in the process and cause the girl to fly out from his car and hit her head on the kerb. She died shortly after.

Fucking sad.

My morals got me on my knees, that's probably the way i'm suppose to feel now. But i'm not feeling that way, instead i'm really worried about her. I think she can deal with it as she seems to be a really strong and independent woman. I would imagine that maybe our relationship could've gone further if nothing had happened that monday morning. Her emotions seems really negative the last time we chatted.

A positive note.

Today as usual i conducted my icct package day 2. An influx of a few soldiers from another company seems to irritate me abit because that is not how the way this system is suppose to be run. Everything should be clear and concise as in the number of people taking icct and which company should be involved. Now i have 3 companies taking together in 1 shot which meant a total of 100 over men taking icct at the same time. Good luck to me, i know everything will go well, just that i hope the grading process would not delay my book out timing.

Great Success

1. Asked my students to do a composition on "What/who/where do i want to be in the future"?
2. Show my instructional ability as an instructor.

TML TO DOS

1. ATTEND DEGREE LESSON AT AMC!

live the life

Being yourself is no longer a dream, expressing yourself is no longer a hassle. Live the life and hope the dream, for life is too short to be full of guilts and worries.

I say this because i did something last night, i know it's morally wrong but i believe its conscientious and looking at the positive side, it's a good workout for the ones involved. Nothing emotional but i believe a surge of lust and passion fits the description.

Haven't been getting enough sleeps lately, maybe it's a habit of mine, a really bad habit. I could use the excuse that sleeping is a waste of time, but i know that without sleep i am spending the whole of the following day half asleep.

Like always, the essence of time being alone is the epitome of boredom spent contemplating situations. Make no mistake that i'm feeling a little bit affected by what happened last night, i hope she's really fine with it, she seem a little bit discomfort afraid that things might blow out of proportion. I told her i promise this is not something i would share, as i believe the consequences is unbearable if things gets out of hand.

So let me end my entry with some positive notes.

I believe that man kind alone could change the world with his positivity, that's what i did today, being positive about myself towards my trainees and the close combat lesson i'm teaching. Even though many of them dragged themselves to the hall for the lesson, i manage to give a brief speech to them and hopefully it helps me to conduct the lesson without any difficulties. I believe in stick and carrot method when it comes to controlling these people, i refuse to accept the only way to treat them is by threatening and punishing. Surprisingly despite my lack of sleep, it didn't played any part when i was conducting the lesson and all of them i believe respected me as their instructor.

Great success

1. Completed my first lesson at 1sir, successfully.

2. End my 8 months of abstinence

3. Attended my cousin's 21st bdae bbq celebration

4. Helped wee celebrated her 20th bdae

5. Started to get an understanding of my uni assignment

Things to do TML

1. 1sir icct day 2

2. Tuition with benedict, peiqing, jordan

3. Study

positive

I've been positive these past few days, i can feel that my positiveness has really affect the people around me and make people love me more and appreciate my presence. Thanks to the many success quotes, stories, videos i come across on youtube and some storybooks i bought from the bookshops. But sometimes i wondered if i can keep up with these positivity of mine, i mean it's really good and i really feel good about it, even when i'm sick i didn't fail to keep it going. The energy, the joke i came up with and the witty words i timely made.

Alright while i was blogging, someone broke up with her boyfriend, this kind of affected me because i love her so as a friend and i hope i can do something to help her with. Appears that my words alone are useless, maybe i did my best when i show that bit of concern for her already. What happened was, she was caught dancing with a guy at double o by her boyfriend's friend and this guy/gal had to tell her boyfriend what happened. I don't blame her, and probably she had to made some silly excuse, but all didn't went well i guess, they broke up. I'm abit distracted but nonetheless i should remain positive, this positiveness of mine will change the world alone.

Great success: Yesterday and Today

1. Went for all the programmes i intended to attend to (OCS Perf, Uni Orientation, Zouk)
2. Made friends with Samantha finally :)
3. Did a good close combat performance for the OCS JC visit
4. Took MC today with my mother, finally had a day with my mom after a rather busy week. (My sickness is a blessing in disguise i guess :)
5. Comfort a good friend of mine regarding his emotional issue (lol)

Tml to dos

1. Report back to Pasis Laba early in the morning to open the gym
2. Slack in AFC for awhile
3. Drive the car back to my mother
4. Start studying!
5. Teach tuition
6. Attend's Jeanette bdae celebration at dbl o.

Life is beautiful!

busy busy busy week fucking busy

This is a super duper busy week, first and foremost i had 3 days tuition scheduled, then i have to attend jan's bdae party at her hse on sat follow by this wed at zouk and then on friday jean's bdae club outing at dbl o follow by sunday my cousin celebrating his 21st bdae at the bbq pit beside fajar street soccer court. Not yet! And happened that tomorrow is my university orientation. Before that i have a close combat demo to do at OCS for the JC school students, plus this thurs i have duty staff! Friday and saturday tuition, Oh yah Vivi's wants to celebrate her bdae at my house this coming sunday too! DAMN! So many things to do. What's worse? I think i'm falling sick!! Oh man noooo. Where got time? I don't wanna fall sick!! nooo not at this time... Drink more water i must!

Great success

Ok from now onwards everytime i blog, i'm going to mention what successful stuff i acheieved for the day or maybe the day before or maybe if possible the whole of the week if i can remember any. This is because from now on i want to become a very positive person so i will blog down all my success for myself to reflect in the coming future. Good for me!

Success of the day!

1. Slept the whole morning in AFC
2. Help to conduct the demo practice for tommorrow's OCS JC visit
3. Diablo 2 LOD: Reached nightmare act 4! The evil have survived!

To do Tml!

1. GO OCS FOR JC SCHOOL DEMO
2. GO FOR MY UNI ORIENTATION (Before that drive home and change)
3. GO JANICE PARTY AT ZOUK

Digress

I think i'm in love, or maybe you can say i'm in lust. I'm waiting for you to come back, i miss holding you i really miss you so. I don't really know you but ever since that day i think i remember how it feels like to be loved and love again. Might not be true love but at least i felt loved.

little things does matter

They say if you think small things doesnt matter, try sleeping with a mosquito.

It's a fortune that everynight/day i came home with my mother around, i always have a bottle of water full on my desk. It's this type of small things that keeps me going and make me feel im being taken good care of.

It's nice enough to have friends who really talk good things about you behind your back and regard you as an important part of their life, its little emotions like these that lets you think that life has a purpose and a meaning. Thou shalt always think of positive things, be positive. Most important you must know that everyone has good in them.

Bad things do happen, but nothing can bring me down if i myself refuse to go down,
Laughters everyday keeps the sorrows away. Life shouldn't be taken that serious, everyone needs to enjoy a good joke and have a good laugh at any point of time whenever possible.

When you are at the bottom u can only go up.

Life is such that when you want it the most, there are lesser chance you will have it, when you want it the least. It will find its way to you.

Should we watch a movie?

This is the epitome of patheticalness. The mother of all failed phrases. I think probably after what happened on Friday, I've really been questioning myself about what i've been doing to my life, my love life. Where do i began, who do i deserve, when do i start. OR WHAT THE FUCK AM I WAITING FOR? WHAT THE FUCK U CHIGGER!

Should we watch a movie?

She doesn't recognised me anymore

She doesn't recognised me anymore, how true, how ironic, how demoralising.
Went to zouk on friday for some dumb ass single party which i think it's a failed event. End up going into phuture of cause.

Entrance was free because gh knows the supervisor working there and he signed in all of us for free. Drank a few free shots which taste kinda crappy at the zouk singles event and went to phuture after that.

Was quite happening at first, ordered 2 jugs shared among the group, it was 1 for 1 so there were a total of 4 jugs. As usual, manage to capitalise on most of the drinks and got quite high. Went into the dance floor hoping to cast my highness charm on some girls, successful on 1 ocassion, failed on some. Eventually it was down to me together with the group i am with to dance it out to the final 2 hours of the tune.

Suddenly, out of all spots in the phuture dance floor, of all locations in Singapore, of all people i was with, i saw someone i haven't seen for 1 and the half year, my gosh...memories flooded my mind, i couldn't concentrate, i couldn't bring myself to enjoy. I saw her. HER, the last HER whom i really really loved thoroughly and truly in my heart...It has to be her. Of cause i doubt she noticed me as she was busy dancing with one of her "guy"friend. I told jan about it...(How ironic it has to be jan i'm telling it to.)

True infact, she has forgotten all about me, she doesn't recognised me anymore, or she does and act as if she doesnt. That was what i did exactly too, i did not approach her at all. I just feel that maybe things should remain like that, no complication nothing, it's all in the memory and none of us should come across each others path again.....haiz.. i really feel demoralised i really feel i'm that insignificant. I'm lost.

Is there no one i could ever love like that again?

kept me thinking

Yesterday some things that happened really opened my eyes wide. Some of my colleagues are just plain bias against us juniors, maybe they are younger they do not know how to tell us straight to our faces, they have to go one big round doing the backstab stuff. But i'm quite ok with one actually telling me that my batch is a bunch of chao keng, i'm fine with that, but the thing is, chao keng in what sense? What i know, my batch they do their job, but some are just using their status to avoid some really pointless bullshit which i feel it's justifiable cause i myself am one of them.

What i meant by pointless bullshit? Ok Army half marathon is one, in the first place, not everyone is fit to join in the army half marathon which i think it's true and not everyone is interested in it either. So they had to force us to join if we do not have status, point being we are from Army fitness centre so we should run as role model for fitness...blah blah dick dock. Shit happens in the army, people starts to fuck u up as if they themselves really gives a shit, or just jealous that they themselves are involved in it and cannot get themselves out of the shit they are involved in.

Ok something out of the army. Tried some stunts last night, went to dbl o despite having to work the next day and end up taking MC.. LOL. Initially was going to zouk but the queue was already so freaking long even when we reached there before 10. It actually ends somewhere near the zouk bridge which is like 200m far away from the entrance. How nice.

So at dbl o it was ladies night too. And of cause. Free flow! For ladies that is. However, due to financial constraint i only ordered a jug of burbon coke and that's it for the night, i was so high i went with my bmt buddy to obar and get surrounded by many difference races especially people from the south asia continent. Indians i meant. Hahah.

After failing to get any targets i want, i went back to look for my 2 sweet lady friends who was drinking at dbl o's ladies bar. hahah one of them got super high and i have to bring her outside to take care of her. Brought her to the boys toilet to pee and bring her outside 7 11 to puke.. LOL how fucked up.. ok long story short. I stayed all the way till 6am and went home on cab. Good day! Took MC the next day of cause. :)

Never gonna let you go

SO NIIICCEEE!!!

I was as wrong as I could be to let you get away from me
I'll regret that move for as long as I'm living
But now that I've come to see the light
All I wanna do is make things right
So just say the word and tell me that I'm forgiven

You and me
We're gonna be better than we were before
I loved you then but now I intend
To open up and love you even more
This time you can be sure

I'm never gonna let you go
I'm gonna hold you in my arms forever
Gonna try and make up for all the times
I hurt you so
Gonna hold your body close to mine
From this day on we're gonna be together
Oh, I swear this time
I'm never gonna let you go

Looking back now it seems so clear
I had it all when you were here
Oh, you gave it all and I took it for granted
But if there's some feeling left in you
Some flicker of love that still shines through
Let's talk it out
Let's talk about second chances

Wait and see
It's gonna be sweeter than it was before
I gave some then but now I intend
To dedicate myself to giving more
This time you can be sure

I'm never gonna let you go
I'm gonna hold you in my arms forever
Gonna try and make up for all the times
I hurt you so
Gonna hold your body close to mine
From this day on we're gonna be together
Oh, I swear this time
I'm never gonna let you go

[break]

So if you'll just say you want me too...

I'm never gonna let you go
I'm gonna hold you in my arms forever
Gonna try and make up for all the times
I hurt you so
Gonna hold your body close to mine
From this day on we're gonna be together
Oh, I swear this time
I'm never gonna let you go

Never gonna let you go
Hold you in my arms forever
Gonna try and make up for all the times
I hurt you so
Hold your body close to mine
From this day on we're gonna be together
Oh, I swear this time
I'm never gonna let you go

Fascination

Clubbing is a leisure activity but can only be enjoyed when you're doing with the people whom you feel comfortable with and on the right day, on someday you just have a feeling it's gonna be a plain waste of money. I don't know what am i doing clubbing tonight, probably too bored at home and nothing nor anyone else can spice me up.

These few days. Something happened that does not concerns me at all and its just irritating the shit out of me. Ok i submit to my pride, see i'm always screwing up my relationship with the opposite sex, never ever had i succeed so far in maintaining a respectful, admiring and lovable relationship with a women for long since the last time i decided to remain single. It really suckmeoff into thinking there is a big fucking problem with my attitude. Who am i? I don't know who am i now i can honestly say that. And i am glad i did because this meant im letting go of my ego according to Eckhart Tolle.

Whatever i did, whatever i said had been a 3rd person point of view from my own perspective. In actual fact i'm really tired and moodless to deal with whatever that is happening around me, it just really bores me to death. I suck in EQ i admit it. I try to act sincere which is obviously pure bad acting on my part. I try to be the alpha male but end up exposing what a real wuss i am. I tried to pronounce words properly but i get tongue tied most of the time and jumble up my sentence and stuck at part of it. This is really fucked up, no one will understand how i feel.

So, yet every now and then i put up this expressionless face with occasionally being amusingly retarded just to create laughter from my peers, all these without pure wits and sensible humour, but just acting retarded to get people to laugh at me. Especially when i'm drunk.

Tomorrow i'm going to enroll in a UNI and i'm not even excited about it, it just makes me feel i'm going to waste my $$ on some courses i don't give a shit about. I am merely taking this course and enrolling into this uni because i've no where else to go! How pathetic i can be? FUCK man! ARGHH!!!



This blog just shows the other side of myself, a darker and meaner side of me. I'm fucking mental!

Accept...your....fate

Accept your fate ELZW. You are totally ptt today. PTT means pathetic.
U do nothing but sleep sleep sleep and feel tired all day
Life has become a hassle. Fuck this, that and all those shit.
ID: So what you want has been given to you. What do you intend to do now?
Superego: HAHAHA honestly i don't know...better off being myself.

Ok i agree..bye blog. cya again

18 ways to attract women

1. Know what you want! (Sit down make a list of the thing u do want in a relationship)

2. Pay attention! (Be interested in people and show them that you are interested)

3. Listen! (Make them feel important)

4. Know your talent! (Know what you're good at and let them show)

5. Take action! (Get out there! Stop staying at home)

6. Be complimentary! (Say good things about her dressing and her looks)

7. Be Sincere!

8. Be Honest! (Don't make up stories. be who you really are!)

9. Share Stories! (Tell people about your life!)

10. Be a positive force! (Do good things for others!)

11. Do what you like! (Have fun, do what you enjoy)

12. Learn something new! (Broaden your horizons)

13. Be aware of what you're thinking! (think positive thoughts)

14. Forget what you don't want! (think about what you want)

15. Surround yourself with good!

16. Clear your mind! (get rid of the chaos inside your head)

17. Donate your time! (help others out!)

18. Donate your money! (Be generous!)

ok

so everything seems normal everybody seems their usual self, eugene spending money like no tomorrow.

seriously someone should filmed down what happened ydae night. i'd like to know cuz im too drunk to realise.

Spyed

i got spyed ccb.

reinventing myself

Ok for the first time after so many emotional post, this is not going to be one.
First of all, i'm so troubled by what am i going to do in the future, I'm 22 years old this year and i have not figure out what to do after my ORD. There are a few options:

1. Get a degree in Austrlian Maritime College (The course i studied from SP enables me to receive advanced standing from the degree program that i will be taking.)

2. Sit for A levels and try to get good result to ensure a place in one of the 3 Local Uni. (I know myself, I won't succeed. Not being pessimistic, just being realistic.)

3. Start working straight (Get some experience while maybe using that experience to try and enter a local Uni.)

4. Take my SAT test while in NS (I might stand a higher chance to get into SMU if i score well)

5. Get a private degree without continuing the subject from my diploma (Studying a completely new course, preferably in SIM etc. psychology; It's gonna be fucking expensive :( )

6. Get my Maritime degree from AMC (Austrlian Maritime College) while taking SATs during NS and aim for a second degree in SMU (Singapore Management University). (Sound idea, but does it really matter if i get another degree that is completely general like psychology? I need some opinions seriously, but who can i ask from?)

7. Continue to study insurance and become an insurance agent. (At the same time play stocks in SGX to earn some extra keep. Not a really good idea imo, i'll probably laze off after a while, I know myself)

8. Other options not yet defined.

See. I need help, honestly i don't know who can give me the answer, I need to make my decision within these 2 weeks, it will most likely determine what type of life i'll be leading for the next decade or so.

I wanna get married before 30 and a car at the age of 28. With my own ability.

Someone help me!!...

to run or not to run

Now face it eugene, you're just running away from the inevitable, or should i say, running away from hopelessness. What? Hopelessness? Is that even a word in the dictionary?

Ok i don't know but i think im just not having enough rest. Even now when i'm feeling tired i just can't get to sleep. Oh man what's wrong? Fucking SAF ruining my life....

Ok on doing some self reflection. I think i should put the blame on myself instead...START ACCEPTING THINGS EUGENE, BLAME YOURSELF FOR UR IDIOCRACY!!! DONT PUT THE BLAME ON OTHERS!! ARGHHH!!

My existence

Damn i feel sick, probably had too much alcohol last weekend and it snowballed the effects till today. Coincidentally it's my guard duty tomorrow so i hope i won't get an mc and pass on the responsibility to my colleague. I wanna do it anyway because it's gonna be with my batchmates. Hopefully won't get the sentry slots.

Yesterday i was doing my duty staff, sitting whole day in the gym registration desk doing nothing. So i decided to check out the mindef forums. Crazy shit i tell you, the mindef forum actually had like hundreds of thousands of posts about all kinds of stuffs. Be it, gaming, anime, relationship problem and many many more.

As these few days i was feeling kinda down because of a bad intuition i felt regarding my relationship with a particular person i decided to look for some advice from the relationship section, trying to find any topic that relates to my case. And finally after some simple search, i manage to find it.

Ok now this is ghey i know, i don't know why despite all the past experience with many many women i still bother to give a shit about them but anyway, it's a post regarding being a third party, well it kinda applies to me, so i went ahead and click it.

"Never ever be a third party, because you do not want other people meddling in your relationship, imagine knowing that some other guys are pestering your girlfriend with sweet messages, confessing to them all these while you're together with her, how will you feel?"

Thanks MR i don't know, you really woke me up, even it's simple logic and pure common sense, it really takes your post to wake me up. So because of this i am now recovering from a minor heart ache and being a fool. I'm not feeling well now, not because of what you said, but i'm really physically sick. Still i don't really feel as bad as i was yesterday. That feeling totally made me feel really pathetic and hopeless.

MORAL OF THE STORY
LIFE GREATEST ENEMY: YOURSELF

Great wall

All good things comes to an end, That's the truth.
But that doesn't necessary leads to bad things, it's just good things taking a break itself.
All bad things comes to an end, that's the truth.
But that doesn't necessary leads to good things, it's just bad things taking a break itself.

Life is so unpredictable but your instincts tells you how things will work out into.
Life is so predictable but your instincts tells you how things will work out into.

Who could've thought this would've happened?
Who could've thought this wouldn't have happened?

Somehow inside of me.... I really feel like....breaking up. All these heart aches all these uncertainties, all these anxieties that things are not going to be the way i want it to be. I can't take it anymore.

Don't think so much, that's what i would tell others if they ask me how to deal with it. How do i? When the person who made me feel this way took a great long time to come by. I'm in love with an atomic bomb. That's the truth.

fucking CCTW full of shit

Fucked up planning, fucked up management, fucked up superior. Everything literally fucked up! Kanina work so hard for what? Oh yah.. why the fuck do i work so hard for? I'm wasting my 2 years here anyway in the fucking SAF.

So this is what they say huh? Getting fucked for nothing... That's what happened today. FIGURATIVELY, FUCKED FOR NOTHING...I was suppose to handle this fucking whole unit's close combat training. This whole unit consisted of 5 fucking companies and they are all taking ICCT at THE Same time in a timespan of 3 weeks. FIRST TIME THIS KINDA SHIT HAPPENS. So all going as plan, 4 companies will be doing at mandai and 1 at AFC due to space restraint. So as the unit instructor i will be handling the 4 companies obviously. They are only taking half a lesson per day for each company. So morning i teach 2 different companies and afternoon another 2 different coys. So literally teaching all techniques twice per day. How frustrating to be honest.

FUCKED UP!!! GRADING TML AND LESSON AT THE SAME TIME.. HOW FUKED UP!!

Auld Lang Syne

This morning i woke up and i had a very weird feeling, it's that type of feeling that u wake up and notice u are missing someone so badly and unable let them know, that type of hopeless feeling.

Took me sometime to actually got over it, i had to eat my early morning mac breakfast my mother bought for me, sip up some lemon tea juice, take a bus to mandai camp and went to the backstage to get ready to teach cct. That's where the feeling subsides. So now sitting down on my computer desk chair that feeling comes back again, now the person i miss is online and i don't even have the guts to let her know not even messaging her, so being egoistic i shall let her message me later instead.

Alright what i just did was quite gayish, i just played a chinese song sang long ago by karen mok, it's called tabuaiwo. translated into english 'She don't love me'. How convenient...arghh

By the way i had a very happening weekend, Friday night went double o once again, this time with the same group of fun people that i have been going with the past few weeks. Long story short, 2 of us got so pissed drunk that everyone had to take care of them, then whats more? I literally got bitten all over my body by a mad woman playing some stupid game between the both of us and now i have to deal with the scars all over my body. I don't know if i'm a sadist or what, I actually enjoyed getting bitten by her =/

Saturday had a great nights out with 2 of my BMT buddy, went to watch Harold and Kumar, though i already downloaded and watch, but nothing beats watching it in the cinema although i have to pay an additional $5 for it. HAHA $5 because i reasoned that i should use the nebo card for my own cancelling off their privilege and using it to my advantage, hahahh they are kinda pissed about it i guess, but just $1 only man! Chill fuckers!

Sunday was fucking eventful also, went Sentosa to get tanned tgt with Dave ,SK and Shawn, played some ball games with them and later invited a group of strangers (5girls 2 guys) to join us. LOL where do i get that courage i don't know... 2/3 of the girls are really not bad looking, but didn't get their number. At night i had my dick sucked. K

Monday went to swim at Republic poly tgt with kris shawn gary...illegally hahaha. then at night went KTV with the same grp of people i was with to celebrate my clubbing khaki jianwen's bdae, hahah i was the only idiot who kept singing english songs and the rest are like so up for chinese songs, it was fun and no one got offended by my singing voice LOL fortunately.

What a great weekend:) I hope every weekends can be as fun. Ciao im going KSL to meet some arse holes!

missing something?

Something is missing in my life, it has been a long time, it really has been missing. My life is missing something, what is it? How can i know? How do i find out?

Im just complainin complainin and complaining everyday... whining and whining no wonder i can't even stand myself, luckily i have this shit piece of blog for me to let go of my emotion if not i think i will be in the asylum now just thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE.....

Today is as hectic as ever, conducting 2 similar lesson one in the morning and another in the afternoon, cct is a bitch really, im really getting sick of shouting over and over and teaching the same techniques again and again. Luckily today all of my colleagues who were present there actually help me to take my lessons, man i thought they really are there to beat flies. I was wrong. Im apologise for my previous post which is just plain emo shit like many others.

K lets see what's my life like every weekday and weekend

Mon-Fri

8am-5pm: Either teach Close Combat Lessons in unit or doing beat flies project at AFC
5pm-7pm: travelling home + eating dinner
7pm-Lights out (time varies): Surfing the net, watching movies, animes porn, chatting on msn(mostly with the same girl)

Fri night i will most probably be hitting da club.

Sat & Sun

DAY: GO OUT MOVIE/WALK WALK/CHILL
NIGHT: CLUBBING/WATCHING FOOTBALL

HAHA....That's all folks, thats practically what i've been doing for the past few months! ENJOY LIFE! YEAH RIGHT ITS BORING!

ehhhsswtfsbbq

OH wtf guess what i did today. i shouted for 6 fucking hours...I should just join some nu-metal band like linkin park. Knnz i don't know wtf is going on with this closecombatinstructor voc anymore the mgmt is f up the regulars are really analed and illogical, thank god im in a less stringent team, but fk today just because im conducting some close combat training for my unit so i have to do all the teaching and the other instructors basically go around beating flies except for one that actually helps me out. Not that i'm complaining but this junior senior shit and unit instructor shit gotta stop the fuck out man... it wasn't like that before, the team i was in was so united and regularly helped each other out regardless of batch or whether u are the unit instructor.

Then shit happens.... they did a switch of instr from other team and now happens that the team that has been switched with ours is facing alot of political shit which i couldn't care about and occurs that the 2 instr that came to my team were really beating flies wherever they go and they happen to be supporting my fucking unit today. Fuck man my throat is going to burst, i'm afraid i might really get throat cancer just because of having to shout so much....oh man wtfbbq!

Oh yeah btw is it really true that when girl have their menses they really have a fucking problem with their attitude? Oh man that really breaks my balls! Grow up bitches!

PS: So i've got use to these alr yeah? That kind of hopeless feeling and at the same time making me realise how insignificant i am to others i love and care about. Such a feeling im so getting used to and experiencing it almost everyday that now it seems like im having it as part of my daily meals... How discouraging to humanity huh... how sad for me.

im actually a really angry man i just realised that. eugene..no one owes u a living.... help urself.

brown leaves and grey skies

Some people will just do anything to get what they want, that includes backstabbing their own friends. He'll probably have to kill his parents if he had to, what a low life jackass. And how surprisingly it has me to be the victim? Love is the word and Sacrifice is the effort i guess.

Anyway i was really stupid, really really dumb. I thought i was protecting a friend(this is another story). I'd do quite a few things for her, and not to be mistaken i do not desire her, and she had to treat me like crap. Okok girls are really illogical creatures aren't they? But fuck it man what's so fucked up just occassionally i need her help abit regarding my instability.

I guess these 2 shit incidents really opened my eyes. Never trust anyone no matter how good of a friend they had/have been. What goes around comes around? ... ok irony.

Confession

Just when i thought everything is over, gonna start a new lease of life again, god has a changed of plans. Apparently he decided to shove more shit into my already shitty life and make me feel pathetic. So now i've to whine about how lousy my life is and hoping for someone to symphatize with me. That is while sad to say i can only wish for. I am a man, so to ask for symphathy from a lady is to ask for a suicide pill. But whatever, wind direction changes and the stars will die one day. So as of now i will tell myself to not let my ego seek its pleasure. That is to find someone else to symphatize with my feeling which i had already foolishly expressed just now to one girl friend of mine. How foolish of me. I feel really giving myself a good excuse to seek symphathy now, how hypocritical i am.... I want to be stronger, i want to be a man, i want my never say die mentality back, i want that fighting teen spirit of mine that i used to have, that ever ignorant guy that'll do everything he can to get what he wants. That elzw that he is borned to be. give me back myself!

k so gene

u've been a wonderkid, you've had your days
you've been envied and you've been loved
so what's left of you now? now that all have been taken away from you
sounds not all that bad yeah as you still have your mom sewing ur freaking name tag onto your cci shirt yeah?
yeah so cool...but not all have been sewed.
now why do you feel this way genie? you thinkz u a big fuck? wow im so scared? applause?
no apparently you are not.. you've failed, you've failed totally in a single day, everything u hope for, u aspire for and you desire for.... all these gone in a single day. So is this how you will be feeling now? Disheartened? Disappointed? Depressed? Decayed? Degenerated? Defeated? Is you gonna feel all the Ds?
Or do i have to use more fanciful initials to spell out ur suffering u piece of crap?
Shame. Sore. Sad. Foolish. Inept. Inefficient. Incapable..the list goes on

So am you gons wake ups tml and see everything as a bad dream? Or is you gonnan feel all that you feel now gene? You wake up its a bad dream and no one on your side and you are fighting but you just feel too tired to be fighting? Guess you're not the fighting kind.....You go back be ur stupid CCI. Be someone that has to be detested, feared or do u try to be someone that is being respected and well liked?

ISSIT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR BOTH THOUGH?
CAN THAT HAPPEN TO ME WITH GIRLS I LIKE, DESIRE AND ADMIRE? CAN THAT?

Help me.

elle-e-elevator

oh so u seen my blog? well why do i fuck care?

Hagahahagahahagah i is so crazy man. what de fuck, im not even in love im juz having de crush, ok nothing matters nothing matters nothing really matters

I wuz gonna like erase da emo post from below but on second thought no because its part of me and i iz gonna reads its nexts times. hahahs.

wow its sundays already my long weekendz juz passed it like a biatch..... its good relaxing timez and tml i iz going back fucking AFC to run fucking 10km. Balls to me man!

Fuckingz afc fucking make me run more thanz 5 milez every week fuck them! im so having eh hard nipz now. i iz gonna fkin givup man cheesebye.

alright i willz be celebrating mother dayz in advance, i iz finally gon make my mom proud. fucking hbo now airing some niga ass show its so noisy.

and btw imma find a gf soon. muackz eugene!

99 problems

After that emotional post last night, i think i've finally decided to be a man. I will not force myself to get involve with her anymore and i will be normal and be cool as i am always. She has a boyfriend anyway and other than being just a friend i don't see a need to meddle with their relationship any further. I myself don't want this kind of things to occur to me so neither would i want to do this to others. I need to find more things to do to make my life worthwhile. 99 problems but a bitch ain't one =)

There it goes again

Wow. Three days without rain, summer is approaching. My mood is unstable and the cause of it i shall not deny.

I'm going to be honest with myself, it's because of a girl. Some pretty babe i knew at a club through my primary school friend. I was on a high that night and i wasn't so aware of my actions either, but nonetheless i am sure that i was dancing with her throughout.

So long story short, I got her number and her msn soon after. So from my own personal experience with many other girls I didn't really expect to hit it off with her that well, in my mind she's really just another clubbing girl i know and our relationship as that isn't gonna last any longer. But instead we clicked well and talk about alot of things even though i must admit that my grammar and vocabs are not as strong as hers, therefore i feel the need to construct my sentence properly whenever i replied her msg. We were chatting everyday since then and i guess both of us begin to be opened about our private life towards each other and she seem to be treating me as more than "the guy whom i knew from at club." She even confessed it to me herself which i'm kinda suprised about.

And then the following week we hit the club again, same club and almost the same people with a few additional friends of mine and one of hers. Yet again i was drunk when she came and we danced together again, just that this time i was like insanely groping and violating her. Can't help it i guess, she's hot and she didn't seems to mind.

The week after that night was not really the same as the week before, as we begin to lack of things to chat about and most of what we could talk about was about the night we clubbed and her relationship with her ongoing boyfriend. Then came last wednesday when i asked her out for a drink which she at first agreed to it, so i went down to town and wait for her and finally decided to meet somewhere around clark quay together with one of her friend and one of mine. However, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, plans changed and we ended up clubbing at the same club again. This time with the same people and additional few other guys from my friend's side. So we were sitting at this table as my friend had ordered a bottle earlier on. Then she came with one of her girlfriends, and all the guys sitting around me were like mind fucking her and i'm not really affected by it. She's hot. So everyone started to flirt with her and so on. While she was sitting next to my friend and flirtting with him and i was getting higher and higher her attention switch to me and we begin to get quite touchy with each other. Anyway the next few hours we were clinging to each other almost everywhere we go, to the smoking room, to the dance floor to the bar. I think i kinda smell from the sweat i leaked while travelling throghout town and clark quay which i guess she didn't mind either. So the fun time ends with a few slight incident happened in between and then came the next faithful day.

I msged her on msn seeing her nick to be spelling quite depressingly, asking her how is she and so on. So i guess she's suffering from some relationship problem and then without asking much of it our conversation starts to get abit stale which i'm really finding it hard to accept and kinda disappointed by her slow reply, though i acted cool throughout and told her some sick stories concerning myself. She was so cold so i decided to go out and catch a movie with my friend instead of wasting my time waiting for her reply.

So there it goes again i guess this time i really find myself taking the same emotional rollercoaster ride again like the same with many other girls i've dated since last year. Man i really want to settle down and i really want to remain being good friends with her where we can share alot of our problems with and occassionally flirt around with each other. Sigh.... troubled times.

Life can never be explained

Am i right to say that? Can it be explained even if humanity is given another billion years life span?
Can religions be taken seriously? How has it helped in anyway when there has been no concrete evidence to prove there is god?
Are humans the really most intelligent living things that's living in this planet?
How can u judge that? And who am i to say they are not? And who am i to say that they are? I am human afterall. Can i judge myself? No? Yes?

What is wrong and what is right? Who is qualify to say who's wrong who's right?
What are debates for anyway? So there's a winner? But who's that to say the losers are completely wrong?

So if i were to make things up and say this is not a blog this is a golb? Am i wrong to say that? It's just words made up by someone else and agreed by the masses that this is the right spelling right words to use for this program. So am i wrong? Yeah by the majority. But im right that i actually formed an image of this program and relate it to the word golb. Am i wrong? And someone else would say i am wrong this is a blog. But then i question. Are u sure u are right to say this is a blog not a golb just because majority agrees on it? Fuck man things are so complicated. What are we living for?

Some inspirational quotes

People should have the right to end his life, if he wants. But I think it would be a great mistake. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope. - Prof. Stephen Hawking

I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road. - Prof. Stephen Hawking

No man is rich enough to buy back his own past. - Oscar Wilde

Art is the only serious thing in the world. And the artist is the only person who is never serious. - Oscar Wilde

If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein

A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. - Albert Einstein

What does not kill him, makes him stronger. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise - Sigmund Freud

No. I'm not going to be your monkey. - John Stewart

pcc song

Play the clip and sing to this lyrics i typed. (not the crappy ones in the clip)

My name is eugene low
i think i am insane
i stay at home all day
and only masturbate

I've nothing to do
i feel like a fool
and im holding on to
my little bro.

i could've played cs
warcraft 3 is not so bad
as a man imma do what i can

just beat it with my hand
as cruel it can get
and witness as the story ends.

Without me (CCI Version)

CCI is a job for me
Now everybody just follow me
cause we need a little bcct
icct acct

A little lock it and twist it
we've been playing with techniques
your wrist lock your thumb lock
I'm so anal about it
They start feeling im so full of bullshits
till someone come along with a loose arm and yell "shit!"

A broken elbow
The vision is scary
I call upon the medic
to prevent a panic,
a tactic, to let me continue the class
in the fact that i got everyone give up and pass
and it's a disaster such a catastrophe
for them to see so damn much of the mess
they've brought for me.

Well i'm back(batman sound)
nananananananananana
make you do some work out like you never ever wanna
pump up and down on the floor with your knuckles
the worst part of your day for all of you fuckers
I make you curse me, i think best you'd be swearing
detesting, your sight of the black shirt i'm wearing
KnockItDown! Carry on please! feels the tension as soon someone starts counting
Now down 20 and another 20 for me!
Push up? Who ask? You ask for it! (Chorus)

CCI is a job for me
So everybody just follow me
cause we need a little bcct
icct acct

The Skeet

imma so stressed out nigga. juz so got teh extra by my fat superior the M.R .O.N.G and the hong and the keong. Fark tt nigga man. Me wuz juz pimping it out in SAFPU by taking of my pants infront of his pearl of sight. Me gotz ownz when he says i got teh extra. fark him. I am seck of tiz nigga. hez breaking my ballz. I tink er im gonna bang da bang and da skeet his ahnus and make tt nigga feel the stress when this nizzle here iz hatin life as a CCaighIIIIIII. Gawd damn these beeg shit niggaz who tinkz they r so baller to pwn me by giving me teh extra. Farkz dem.
Tommorow i iz gonna life run it like itz hotz but i got teh tits problem which its actually on my heart. I iz gonna hit teh medical center and bangz da mo in his ahnus. Toze farking MOs will gonnaz feel da great 1 which iz teh aura of mine to get some farking ownzing status that will gonna excludez me for teh AHM. FARKZ IT!

Oh yeah. if Kobe bryant can jump over Ashton Martin. Why can't i get the girls i want?


one crazy azz nigga!

2 boring individuals

2 boring individuals went to the club last night. It was random, it was sudden, it wasn't meant to be that way.

2 boring individuals went to the dance floor to dance and got clamped by a bunch of guys

2 boring individuals 1 female 1 male

2 boring individuals spent 5 hours moving their body and try to maintain minimum contact with each other

2 boring individuals the female got punk'd apparently by her friend, the male got punk'd into thinking there'll be more hoes going down

2 boring individuals wasted 5 hrs of precious time doing practically nothing but listening to black musics

2 boring individuals went out of the club

2 boring individuals one went home the other went to the other club and join her sister

2 boring individuals how boring

I am a feather

I am a feather.
I go where the wind blows.
Unpredictable weather
But i'll still go with the flow

Defining my life
Hard to tell why
Getting pretentious at times
But i guess all is fine.

No one could understand
Even I couldn't comprehend
But one thing i know
I have not lost my sense

So what have i conceived?
What's there to achieve?
life itself seems
like a hassle to live.

Now i'm tired
Time to retire
To a dream i desire
Now light up my fire

Wierd

Something is missing in my life.
I'm not sure what i want either.
Neither am i sure who i am now.

Mentally im tired of my social life.
Im just a lazy person
and im starting to feel quite uncomfortable communicating with some people.

I just want to be alone.
I just want to do things alone
I need no one to bother me
I just need a company of a beautiful girl
Or maybe i need someone else to love me
Am i asking for too much?
Yet i do not have the energy to pursue what i want.
I am lazy maybe

I read self enrichment books to make myself feel more positive about life
And i tried to apply those philosophies i learnt to my life
Seems that i don't feel any different
Or am i doing it the wrong way?
"There is no self"
Famous phrase of the great Buddha
How can i achieve that?
Bah man.. im tired
I hope tommorow will be better
Stupid guard duty....
Be back on friday i will...
Good day!

Given up

Given up by Linkin Park
This is so depressingly inspiring ^^

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy[chorus]

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me[end chorus]

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy[chorus]

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me[end chorus]

[bridge]Goddddddd!!!!
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fucking misery[end bridge]

[chorus]I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

why is it funny?

Stupidity is always funny!

It tells its own story.

I've been repeatedly telling myself to wake up and not remain half asleep wherever i go or i am, appears that i couldn't get rid of this habit or should i say syndrome.

Been 3 weeks since i passed out and i'm already a close combat instructor. I feel quite proud to be one as it's one of the vocation that is hardest to get in in the SAF and also one of the vocation which holds high appointment in. However i realise within every organisation there are always politics involved, disputes will arise and people will quarrel, things like that are quite depressing to me as i'm a very peace-loving person. I hope this kind of things will not affect me much for the next 1 and the half year. Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone can see the positive side of everything, think rationally, be honest and find peace in every situation?

Today is quite a life awakening situation for me, even though there are little things that had happened, it really opened my eye as to let me see what type of friends i have and what type of people are there around me. I was asked to join an online game by this good friend of mine, then he realise his another friend can play and not enough slot for him and that guy probably is a better player, so he thought of kicking me out of the game thinking that i alt tab and did not see what he typed. I immediately ask him to screw his mother and left saddened. Then this morning i came back from club and i was on a bus with one of my friend. She was actually my ex pri sch friend. She told me what my ex pri sch friend described me as. She said he told her i am a malicious playboy and probably will do every girl i came in contact with. Though it's not really an insult to a man like me, i actually began to wonder what are everyone's impression of me? And what do people i know says about me behind my back? Does everyone has to put a knife on their mouth when talking about their friends behind their back? Does a friend whom i know for almost a decade decided to backstab me just because of a game playing slot? Man what is this world coming to?

And i also realise that i am lacking alot in confident recently, don't know what happened, maybe because a few days ago when i was trying to display a cct technique and i kinda screw up, and this cci senior guy have to say something bad about me behind my back as if i cannot make it as a CCI....I am kind of wondering is all these badmouthing, backstabbing people behind their back is a natural human behaviour or an egoistic human behaviour. Do i really have to be an asshole for people to be afraid of me and respect me? An asshole as in a very stern and serious person and not someone who holds a relaxed face and takes things easily and get climbed over his head for just this reason.

Ahh... humans humans.... if there is a god, i think he made a mistake in creating us. All these hatred all these hypocrisy all these ugly personal behaviour. Maybe i'm just one of them without realising.

one more week

One more week to pass out and it will be 8-5 for me for the rest of my NSF career, what a good way to serve the nation. Although in between every month i still have to do duty staff and guard duties, it is actually ok as long as it's just twice per month that i have to stay in =)

From there on it's time to knock people down almost everyday i guess? Haha not! I don't think i will be such a F up instructor, i've proved that i am kind during my lessons which i was conducting in other units, although i did get to knock down a company of armored soldiers through the demand from my senior.

Last night i went to phuture with 2 of my sec school buddies. We were signed in by my army friends and contributed $50 for the bottles. Wasn't really a good night for me as i was not really having a good harvest of girls, i did danced with 2 though, and also my buddies happened to ask for contacts from the opposite sex. One got it, the other did not as she insisted he give her his number instead. (Haha i knew that was gone case.)

I also went to bet on EPL and got back $40 for my winnings. So in the end, including the cab fare and the entrance, i only wasted $20. HAHA what a bargain. Yeah i shouldn't do that often, but my instinct tells me that it is a sure win for me, the team i bet on was MAN UTD and it thrashed NEWCASTLE 5-1. So yeah i got my winnings.

Ok so imma book in soon as usual, blogging have been a habit for me to release my stress and slight depression of booking in and hopefully this coming week will be a good week for me! As next week is my demo at marina square...Hope to impress a few girls there and make some new friends :D! CIAOS!

Im in need!

HELLO 1 week of my MOI Phase just passed and now on to my 2nd week of MOI Phase then another week more and it's PASS OUT LO!!! and i will officially be a Close Combat Instr!

Haha soon i'm going to book in, but not before leaving my one last trace online for the week before the next, therefore i will recap what i did for these 2 weeks. Basically the whole past weekdays i was in camp. However, this time i have to travel from camp to camps to conduct Close combat training lessons for soldiers within encampment (Unit/School). That is to train my MOI aka Method of instruction for my Close combat instr VOC. I've to say the first time when i'm conducting, I was so nervous that i mumbled and show lack of confidence! The first place i went to was OCS aka Officer Cadet School, ok i'm so having little time to give a detailed experience, but i guess next time around i will go more into it. Then following days i was attached to units around the west and north side of Singapore.

HAH then happened to be last thursday was Valentine's day! And that was one of the most memorable valentine i had. Basically what i did was, i bought a $80 bouquet of rose for someone i don't even love, but yet adored. She is a model btw :) She is so pretty. But anyway i wasted $80 to be honest... hahah was very stupid and yet i was abit nervous also. Gosh fuck i am such a retard! Nvm, yet again i am in a rush and i need to type fast and brief through everything fast.

Ok imma book in in 30 mins time, sad that i have to take public transport myself because my mom has outside stuffs to settle, but its ok! I will look forward to conduct more lessons and show more of my commanding ability! YEAH Teaching is fun and having so many people respecting and listening to you and being commanded by you is so fun also. I LOVE MY JOB! GOOD DAY! everyone!

Another Weekend Goes

I try to make it a habit to post every weekend, or lets say Sunday, since it's the only time i will feel kind of emotional after 7 days of activity, 5 days as an NSF and 2 days as a civilian. Emotional because in a few hours time i have to book in and stay in for another 3 nights or maybe 5 depends on the indecisive system of the army. This is because i've already finished the physical phase of my close combat instructor training as a trainee and in 2 weeks time i will be moving forward to the next phase. The instructional phase. There i will be learning how to teach soldiers the SAF close combat techniques and learn how to shout and maybe tekan them. There will be 28 commanders coming to join our course. Okay nevermind about it, im a little excited but i think i shouldn't have problem teaching just maybe i need to be more confident of myself and know what i want from them and myself during the lessons which i will be conducting.

So another 7 days goes by and this time during my book out, i went to shop for some cny clothes, my ever generous mom gave me $150 to buy whatever i like for myself and so i did. I bought 2 t shirts 1 glittering gayish black polo T and 1 pair of jeans, i spent like $130 in total. I think it's cool though i did not really search and shop like a woman to acquire what i want, just 2 days of 5 hours shopping, thats what i did to get 4 piece of body covering materials.

Oh and happen that i made some $$ off selling my stocks which my dad bought for me, made around $200 off a $2.4k stock... hahaha ok i'm still learning how to trade but just that i dont have much time to do it myself now and i have to rely on my expired father to do so, at least he's honest.

Then came the news today my good friend su zhi kai broke up with his girlfriend. Apparently his girlfriend fell for another guy but despite not knowing whether the guy is interested in her or not and inspite the girl still ask my goodfriend su zhi kai to fight for her love, he instead chose to break up with her, the reason he gave is simply because he couldn't accept the fact that his girlfriend like another guy after 9 months of relationship. Well... what can i say, girls are such bitches if you ain't the bastard. However if me and i really do think its worth it for me to fight back for her love and i really do love her i will do it. So i don't really know what is on the mind of this su zhikai.

Anyway this few days i also feel that im not myself, especially talking to friends and strangers.. dont know whats wrong with me, maybe some regrets over what i did to a girl, haha but fuck it, they cannot be trusted and maybe what i did is what they want.... nevermind peace. booking in loh...

Just like lightning

Time past so fast, it's already 20th january 2008 and it's Sunday and it's book in day. Finally tommorow is the unofficial end to my Close Combat Instructor course physical phase as i will be taking my final Close Combat Training Grading. Advanced Close Combat Training. I really slack and do nothing for the whole entire weekend. Dota, surf, music, eat, sleep, club. That's all i do. Still wondering how i can make productive use of my weekends.

Recently i bought some shares in a company call NOL known as Neptune Orient Line, a transport company, i bought like 1000 shares of it at 3.36 which cost me around $3400. The market is not doing well recently and the shares i possessed have dropped a few points. Though of cause one must be patient to reap the benefits in the end, so my ex dad will help me settle and i can be quite relax about it till the end of the year.

Think i'm currently abit depress because maybe i'll be going back to camp later, though it's not as bad as BMTC in tekong but still, the feeling of booking in sucks.

And also on friday i had a date with this girl, and we went to watch a movie call cloverfield. It's a movie about a gigantic spider liked creature rampaging throughout NewYork, Manhattan. The whole movie was film in a handycam view by one of the characters in the movie thus the whole screen was shaking from the beginning to the end of the movie, i almost vomitted suffering from motion sickness. I won't reccomend this movie to anyone but do go watch if you find that there are no better movies to watch but yet still want to watch a movie within the month of January.

After that i went home with her and do something i myself thought it was abit foolish and kinda rush and indisciplined. I mean.. what can you expect when a girl is alone with you at your house? What can we do? Sigh... I really think i bastardised myself to the highest level. I don't even bother contacting her after she went home, neither does she. I think i should stop doing this, this destroy part of my new year 2008 resolution. To be nice to girls... Arghhh once again empty promises....

Alright that's all of my rant for today, will be back again next friday after another week of physical and mental suffering in camp. I love everyone! Muackz

im happy

Alright today is Sunday and i'm booking in back to camp. Yes, pasir laba camp, the camp of sispec where all privates come here to become sergeants. Some being coerced to. some wanted to and maybe some didn't want to. As you know i was being posted to Army fitness centre as a close combat instructor on-job trainee, yes "Close combat instructor" what a nice title to be given. I myself feel privileged to be there and to be honest it's all about the 8-5 vocation that it is that makes me feel luckyto be there.

But still the training is tough, it's what i expected it to be because it's called "Close Combat Instructors." So basically for 3 days in a row it's mainly training, training and more physical trainings. Running is a norm as we have live run every Mon, Wed and sometimes Fri. Gymming, target practice, punching bags and the worst of all, break falls. Yes break falls, it's not easy at all. Because first you have to condition yourself, which is to slap the lower part of your arm on the tatami mat for like 20 counts of 3 on each side, full force. Yes for an instructor that's how many times you have to slap before the start of the breakfalls. For a man maybe 1 count of 20 each side will do. CAN CRY I TELL YOU :~~(

But of course this is the price i have to pay for such a slack vocation right? 8-5 leh.. Hehe.. :B

Oh yah btw last tuesday i did something very daring and also something that i might regret or cause the person to regret in the future, hahah can't believe that happened also. Life is short, one must be brave to enjoy it, come what may! Of course this few days my body has been aching like hell, now already recovered abit. And tommorow will start all the training again and then follow by grading on friday. Gd luck to me man... hope i won't get Out-of Course... 67th CCI ALL THE WAY!!!